An Examination Of Weight Gain: What The Fat On My Back Says About My Past

Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

It’s like the last bit of it just around my bra line. I’ve lost a size or two the past few years thanks to a strenuous workout routine and healthier eating. I haven’t lost as much as I’ve wanted thanks to “the change” that is happening through menopause, and due to my persistence on using eating as a tool when things get tough, but even than I should be able to overcome it, but there is a past that lingers on my body that doesn’t want eradicated.

I pulled up my shirt this morning to see how my back toning is going and to gauge how much work I have left to do. I am thankful my shirts fit so much better than they used to and that I am freer to put on the ones I want without fear of people seeing things I don’t want them to see, but I have a long way to go before I can sport a shirt that shows my mid drift, or post an Instagram shot with me in my workout bra and pants. I see that bulge of fat near my bra and while I realize it’s part and parcel of hitting 50, it also doesn’t have to be.

I see a year when I was pregnant with my third and letting myself go and gaining much more weight than I needed to. I see another year when I was pregnant with our fourth and decided it was good to eat a double cheeseburger four times a week because I was craving it. I see losing myself in a life and in a form of parenthood I am not sure I ever wanted, and not taking the time to analyze life and decide how I wanted to live it.

I see myself going to the gym sporadically over the years which was an acknowledgement that I wasn’t as healthy as I could be. Something in me understood that I was gaining some weight, but I don’t think I ever realized the extent of my depression and unhappiness and how that was feeding an unhealthy lifestyle. I didn’t see how I was starting to change my youthful figure and gain weight I would become used to and call normal. At the time of our almost divorce I got down to a size 4, some 20 year later I would be fighting to get from a 12 to a 10. What happened?

I see years of marital strife and being void of self esteem. I see a life time of being manipulated and controlled by people who say they love me, to do harmless things, that led to me building a life I didn’t want. I see years of living an unanalyzed life and just…